I don’t know what to do. Need answers/suggestions.
I am 17 and have had transgender feelings (towards female) since as long as I can remember. For five years until January of this year I had pretty much lived like a hermit with me being home-schooled and having no friends. During this time when these feelings would present themselves they were fairly easy to ignore. However I took a college course starting in January (yes I am fairly smart in all things but writing) which required that I present myself at a physical location with other students. The feelings became much stronger possibly because of the social interaction as well as the fact that the TA was trans herself (using preferred pronoun). I don't know the exact reasons why I did this but when ignoring the feelings became no longer an option, I decided to instead suppress these feelings as strongly as I knew how. This was actually how I discovered this sub-Reddit when I was looking for new suppression methods online (didn't find anything useful in that regard). Anyway the course ended last month and I have been living the loner life once again but the feelings didn't weaken much. I would have continued to weaken the feelings with isolation but I have enrolled to enter college proper for spring semester and I knew this wasn't going to be sustainable for success. Seeing as how I didn't want a repeat of me constantly battling myself every second of the day I decided two days ago to "borrow" permanently 😉 one of my mother's dresses (she has many dozens of them). I put it on the same day and was amazed by how clear my thoughts became as well as I guess the feeling of happiness (I am not the greatest at emotions). This was all well and good and I had plans to dress like this semi-regularly in private however yesterday something happened. Yesterday in a fit of rage and in a futile attempt to stop permanently the feelings I took a knife and shredded the dress as well as a dress magazine I had smuggled to my room. I can fairly easily take another dress but I don't know if this will happen again, I hate being wasteful, and eventually my parents are likely to become suspicious if dresses continue to vanish. Also while wearing the dress made me feel better while wearing it, this effect only lasted a short time after taking it off and I would like to go further than this with maybe makeup and eventually possibly transition. My family is extremely conservative and I lack a drivers license that would allow me to travel anywhere without them (learners permit). In about a month however I should have a full drivers license and a proper job which may allow for any strategy that involves money or transportation. Even with those kind of options though I would rather be constantly miserable (like I pretty much am) than disappoint my family. I live for their approval. So basically I am looking for suggestions on what to do from a person preferably with some experience in the matter. If any of you somehow find a way to contact me threw any manner but this Reddit form, please do not contact me with said methods as my parents monitor nearly everything and it was difficult to create and maintain this account in privacy. This is all.