23 Scared, Anxious, Depressed, and Hopeful That I Will Find A Way To Improve Myself
I want to apologize for any misspellings or unnecessary rants that end up in this post as I am writing this at 3 a.m.
I'm a 23 year old male who is living in Los Angeles since the age of 18. I know that the reason I moved out here was due to my interest in being involved the cannabis industry with the end goal of owning/managing a business.
I'm a very motivated person when I care about the work I'm doing. When I'm doing work that I do not care about my motivation falls to near zero. This is one of the many dualities that I really seem to struggle with. Its rarely something that I have found the strength to pull through.
I've always done very poorly in school, but not because I lack any intelligence (I hope). I was held back in the 7th grade when I had to move states. Their reason (the new school) was because I was 1.5 – 2 years younger than the other 7th graders at my new school. I was forced to repeat an entire year of my school life and redo homework that had already been done. Ever since then I grew the "Fuck It" attitude with school and repeatedly shot myself in the foot throughout my remaining years in middle school and high school.
By the time I graduated high school I knew that going straight to a 4 year university was unlikely. I didn't want to rule out education and by that point I had a deep passion for cannabis and psychonaut related substances. So moving to California to go to community college and wing it while trying to find my place in the cannabis industry seemed like a better move than gambling on myself in a university. I decided I was just going to go in CC undecided and see where I ended up.
I went to community college and took a full 14 (or 16) course load and got all C's. Fuck… I re-evaluated what I was doing in community college and decided I was going to take it more seriously. I ended up pushing my self a little bit harder next semester (but still not giving it my all) and ended up getting mainly B's with a couple A's here and there. I end up getting my 63 credits to transfer with a 2.7 GPA.
Once I hit the 63 credits that I needed to transfer I decided to drop out of college until I could find what degree to pursue passionately. I have not returned to college as I still don't know what degrees are worth perusing. I know Horticulture and Green House Management sound like no brainers. But…I don't know if I really want to work at a green house if its not with Cannabis. Getting a degree in business management seems fucking useless as someone with a BM degree will only know how to operate a business marginally better than someone with out.
But my mind is more orientated towards business management, which leads me into my next major part.
Private Gaming Community:
In the past 5 years I've gained no pieces of paper to prove my worth, and I understand the limitations of what I'm about to discuss. But I have found my greatest source of happiness to be the private gaming community I helped turn from strangers on the internet to being some badass and respectable motherfuckers. This community does not just play video games as a hobby. We create and play military simulation scenarios through games like Arma 3 and Squad. But we do so without ranks or other bullshit that a lot of our competitors do. I do all of my recruiting (to get members to play on our private server) through Reddit. My recruiting post was so good that 6 – 7 different communities have plagiarized it almost word for word. There are currently over 2000 other military simulation communities who "compete" with ours. I'd say that we are in the top 25% for population and renown. I've met dozens of active and former military members who choose to play in my group and look to me as a legitimate leader.
That's the thing that gives me hope. I have had various military members ranging from Petty Officers in the Navy to verified ex-SF from another country believe in my ability to lead them and keep a respectable community maintained. I have had people twice my age and people making over six figures look to me as a leader. If these people who have legitimized themselves in society are looking to me as a leader, it gives me the hope that I can actually overcome my bullshit and run the business of my dreams. Here is what I have learned from my experience
I've found that my ability to create, recruit, manage, dictate large projects is my specialty. My responsibilities are as follows:
1.) Make sure that we have 3 Arma operations a week. I have created over 250 different scenarios that were all "hand made" and tested/played by my community. (5-20 hours a week, not including playing/having fun).
2.) Make a recruitment post, post it 3 times a week, check applications, and do recruitment interviews. (2 – 10 hours a week)
3.) Train and standardize all of our Arma players to operate the same way in game (2 – 8 hours a week).
4.) Raise fund for the server and teamspeak ($130 needs to be raised each month).
5.) Deal with various administrative task (1-4 hours a week).
Rough Estimate of Hours spent a week running this gaming community = 20
I've run this community how I would a business, with the exception of being able to profit off of it. There is no feasible way to make a sustainable profit off the server itself. The only way would be to launch a youtube career.
In my life I have worked as the following:
Accountant Intern – 8 months
Data Entry – 4 months
Dish Washer – 5 months
Canvasser – 6 months
Ride-Share Driver (current) – 3 months
(Various small gigs for cash here/there)
All of these have left me incredibly depressed and unable to focus on actual development to escape the clutch that I feel they put me in. I have had to quit working for my father at a job where in 2- 3 years they would have offered me 50k a year because within 3 months I was already considering buying a guy to off myself. I hated the job, the product, and my pay was less than minimum wage when you considered I had 20 hours of commuting a week.
This is where I am the most ashamed of myself. I have accomplished almost nothing in terms of getting my foot into the door into any form of the cannabis industry. To be honest I have hardly tried except for applying for a few dispensaries here or there. Everything is so closed off unless you are a friend of a friend. I'm so lost on what to do next and how to achieve my goal. I know that I have the mentality to eventually run a business, but you need to be apart of a industry/business to before you able to run it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless and with legalization coming soon I feel I will be left in the dust. I honestly don't have a back up plan at this point. I don't think I want a back up plan at this point as everything else I have tried to do for work (food/accounting/data entry) has left me miserable.
I did have one positive experience about a year ago. I had a family member that I felt I could disclose my troubles with. This family member is a very successful accountant and in the past 5 years became a CFO of a very large company. I disclosed my goal of running a cannabis business (in this case a test growing operation). This family member told me to get serious about it and create as much of a business plan as possible. This included creating a year long cash flow statement and equipment purchase sheet. Both of these were reviewed and verified by this family member who rated my business sense as a 98/100. But told me that no one would invest into me with no skin in the game (personal money) or without years of experience. This member told me that if I could raise the money and do this solo for a year or two and show that the finances were going to live up to the reality, that getting six figure investments would not be a problem.
Unfortunately I would need to raise $30k-40k and with legalization coming in to Cali next January I feel its very unlikely I will be able to get into the field at all.
Depression, Therapy, and Medicine
I have been depressed for the past 5 years there is no doubt. I do not believe my depression to be a chemical imbalance or a false perception issue. I believe my depression to be a side effect of the reality of my choices crashing down upon me, and me not being strong enough to overcome it. I'm a philosophical, passionate, kind, caring individual. But those traits are useless in capitalistic society where its profits over people. My very nature is a contradiction to the economical and political system I live in (Another duality). But I want money, I want at least six figures. I don't ever want to be this poor again. Death is better than poverty at this point.
I've been to two therapist in 5 years. Both have said that I don't have full blown Major Depressive Disorder due to the fact that there are still things that motivate me. I have been told recently that its possible that I have Dysthymia. I agree with this assessment and feel it fits in well to what I experience on a day to day.
I'm generally against medication like SSRIs. My reasoning behind that is I feel that SSRIs are not going to solve my issues. Its not going to make finding a career path easy, its not going to give me a college degree to pursue. I truly feel that solving my life issues is the only way out of this. I honestly fear that taking SSRIs will lead to my suicide. I fear that because I already realize I may not be facing a chemical depression, that SSRI's might actually motivate me to end my life if I try to stop them once started.
I use cannabis as my main "treatment". I use cannabis not as an escape to hide from my problems but rather use it as a tool to shift my perspective slightly. For example if I'm feeling mad/sad/upset smoking cannabis can help me calm down and rationalize my emotions and help guide me to a neutral/positive state of mind. Now cannabis is not a wonder drug. It has the side effects of being lazy and slight short term memory loss. But the biggest problem is that its fucking expensive. Paying $120 a week while making minimum wage is not sustainable and can add stress too.
Lost, Anxious, Depressed and Hopeful I have a shot at success in this world.
No direct career path or college education path to reach goal.
Miserable working on anything I am not passionate about.
Highly motivated and develop skills quickly when working on passionate projects.
I have had people who are mid-ranked in various military outfits from multiple countries look to me as a leader via my gaming community
I have had people twice my age and making over six figures look to me as a leader via my gaming community.
I have destroyed my health in the past year (gaining over 60 lbs). I've lived in apartments with no kitchen and had to eat out for the past 5 years.
I'm seeking advice on what people think I should do. Feel free to rip me a new one or give me helpful advice. I just needed to tell someone my story and see if I can get some feedback. Even if no one reads this, writing it gave me great relief. If you did read this, I greatly appreciate it and appreciate you for taking your time to hear my troubles.