[Discussion] Can lapses in psychological addiction be tolerated? Trying to understand my somewhat atypical behavior
I'm not sure if this is the right place to discuss this, please let me know if there is a more appropriate sub.
24M. I'm trying to better understand myself and what motivates me to do the things that I do.
For this to make sense, I have to toot my horn for a little bit. I graduated college with a degree in Biomedical Engineering from a good school, and am currently attending medical school in the US. I have backpacked through Asia, Europe, Africa, and South America, across cities and beaches and mountains. I am in excellent shape – always playing football, ultimate frisbee, and tennis with my buddies, and reached the 1000lb club last year. I have a wide group of friends in school and a very active social life (but no SO at the moment). I love yoga, craft beer, and my mother. By most accounts, I am living a life that I'm happy with.
When I have down time by myself, however, my favorite pastime is smoking weed. In college, there were times when I smoked every single night for months straight. After going through a breakup with a long term girlfriend after college, I smoked every night for 6 months straight. This summer, after I finished my first year of medical school in May, I have been smoking almost every single night. This may sound destructive, but I keep a tight control over my priorities. During the academic year, the smoking was limited to 2-3x per week. I'm not a procrastinator, everything that I "need" to do is done before I take my smoke break. Weed has never demolished my motivation to do anything the next day – consistent lifting schedule, never missing a class, etc. But for the couple of hours at night that I'm stoned, I revert to movies, porn, and snacking.
I believe addiction can stem from sadness, but other than the fact that I'm single, I'm pretty happy about life. I consider myself an introvert, and weed has helped me with many important insights into my personality, relationship with others, and understanding myself. But I cannot figure out why I rely so heavily on it. It's not that I want to stop – I just know that it's not ultimately sustainable. For the past 6 years, if I have a free day to myself or even a couple of hours at night, I prefer to be smoking alone, indulging in sin.
So I'm left to wonder, can temporary lapses into this sort of behavior be fine for someone who is otherwise highly motivated? I knows what I want out life and am taking the steps to achieve it, but I cannot break this psychological addiction that keeps creeping back.
If anyone has any psychological or philosophical insights, I would LOVE to hear from you guys. Thanks!