Realised today that I am at rock bottom
Apologies in advance for how long and incoherent this is going to be, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts lol.
Some background information: I'm 21, unemployed, and as of today I have about £2 to my name. I'm drowning in debt, mostly to the Student Loans company, even though i didn't actually manage to graduate university. More on this later.
So a couple of years ago, I joined an online community to discuss pop music and celebrities. I made a few friends on there, including some who lived quite local to me, and I made plans to meet up with one, we'll call him L. I met up with him a few times that summer, we'd hang out, go to concerts, go to the club, just regular stuff, everything was great. We started getting closer, and hanging out more and more, just experiencing young adulthood together, then I started to consider him a very good friend, my best friend even, this continued until last summer. I introduced him to my other close friend, we'll call her E. They got on well and that made me really happy. Time went on, and we started meeting up and hanging out with two other people from the online community, we'll call them B and C. Myself, C, L and E kinda formed a little friendship group (B too but he lives further away so we didn't really see him as much.) I still considered L to be my closest friend at this point. This is where it starts to go downhill. L and E are becoming VERY close, closer than either of them are to me, and it kills me to admit that I'm very jealous. I haven't told either of them this though. Myself and L start getting into drunken arguments, over the STUPIDEST of stuff, and I find myself getting very paranoid and aggressive towards him. We start getting into a cycle of arguing and then me apologizing to him a few days later, this continues for a few months.
Fast-forward to two weeks ago, myself, C, L and E are all out, having drinks, just having a good time. C tells myself and L that she has plans to meet up with another member of the online community during the week and invites us to come with. I accept. C and E excuse themselves to leave as they have things to do the next morning, and I can tell L wants to leave too as he doesn't want to be alone with me but I beg him to stay, as I love hanging out with him. We enjoy the rest of the night, get VERY drunk then head to McDonalds for a post-night out feast. In McDonalds we meet two guys, good looking, funny, intelligent, so we strike up a conversation. I don't remember what the conversation was about because it was so insignificant, and I was drunk, but at some point I made a comment that L was stupid. He took offence to this at the time but either he didn't show it or I was being too self-absorbed to notice. We part ways, and the next morning (I was still very drunk at this point lol) I sent him a long, emotional message, which is nothing out of the ordinary for me. He doesn't reply to me at all, which worries me a little.
So then I message C and ask if we're still going out to meet her friend during the week, and she replies and says that it's not happening, which i instinctively knew to be a lie. E also seems to be avoiding my messages, taking days to respond, and giving the bluntest answers. So at this point I realise something is wrong, I must have done or said something while we were out that bothered them and now they're not speaking to me. I don't bother asking them what the problem is because I feel like being stubborn and it's my opinion that if you have a problem with someone you should tell them.
So over the last two weeks, they have been hanging out without me, having a great time, posting pictures on social media, all the while ignoring my messages.
Last Wednesday, B (remember him?) messaged me and told me that he was coming into town for a concert on Saturday and that he wanted us all to hang out together afterwards. I let him know that I didn't want to come because I'd feel uncomfortable due to the others having a problem with me, and me not knowing (at the time) what it was. He practically BEGGED me to come, telling me it'd all be fine, so I reluctantly agreed to come. Saturday morning comes and it's all over the news that Adele has cancelled her concerts that B was coming specially into town for. So I messaged him asking if he was still coming, because I didn't really feel comfortable hanging around with the others without him there. He did not reply. I still get washed and dressed, ready to go out, in case he messages me to confirm at the last minute. He does not. Later that night they all start posting pictures and videos on social media of them hanging out having fun and I LOSE it. I angrily confront all of them via Messenger on Sunday morning.
C – I message her asking her why she lied to me about our plans being cancelled and she lets me know that she didn't want me there because I had called L stupid.
E – I message her just asking what the problem is and she replies telling me that SHE doesn't personally have a problem with me, it's L that has the problem, and that I need to speak to him to sort it out.
B – I messaged him asking why he didn't reply to me, and he straight up didn't reply, still hasn't.
L – I sent him a sarcastic 'congratulations' in response to a picture he posted saying he'd had a great night. Initially he didn't respond to this but then I sent him a message later that day apologizing for my outburst and for calling him stupid two weeks prior. Bear in mind this was on Sunday.
Fast forward to today, and L finally messages me back, thanking me for apologising but telling me that he doesn't find my apology genuine due to the fact that it took me two weeks to apologise and I had to be prompted by C and E, and that he was unsure about whether he wanted to continue being friends with me due to him feeling uncomfortable and paranoid around me.
I reply telling him that my apology is indeed genuine, I truly am sorry for any comments that I made and my aggressive outbursts afterwards and that it would make me sad if he was to stop being friends with me but I respect his decision and I'm grateful he has put up with me for so long. He has not yet replied and I'm not sure if he will.
This has made me INCREDIBLY upset. I can't envision my life not being friends with him, he's so important to me. I feel like drunken disagreements are not a good enough reason to end a friendship, especially such a good one and it makes me question whether he actually likes me as much as I like him. A small part of me does wonder whether he's just using this as an excuse to get me out of the way so he can be close friends with E without my interference, but I know that's just me being stupid.
I also feel like the way that they handled this was so wrong. To cut me off for weeks and just expect me to apologise without knowing what I did wrong or what the problem was? The last two weeks have been hell for me. I lean on my friends so much and to be without them really messed me up. All I've been doing is sleeping, and waking up to eat and browse pointless shit on the internet. I've hardly had any human interaction, and I've been eating terribly, I've eaten 4 family sized birthday cakes to myself since this all went down, and I've drunk myself stupid a few nights too. I've been listening to sad music in an attempt to make myself cry, but for all the sadness I feel, there's a numbness with it too. It just makes me wonder how long they would have continued to cut me off had I not confronted them.
I feel like I have nobody to talk to about this situation, as they've all taken his side, which is unfair. I also am being very humble and apologetic towards them all at the moment, but I really want to let them know that I think how they've treated me over this situation is really disgusting. I feel like I can't do this though, because they'll make it seem like I'm not really sorry, and that I'm shifting the blame.
I really do think that I have lost three good friends (couldn't care less about B, he can choke.). I'm especially sad at the loss of L.
Going back to the issues in the background information paragraph. These issues have been present in my life for a while now, but I've been ignoring them because of my obsession with L. It's like I was only concerned with if I had enough money to meet up with him on the weekend, I didn't care about my debt, or my employment status. Now that I'm out from the cloud of that friendship, I'm truly aware of the mess that my life is.
I've been at University for 3 years, and haven't progressed past the first year. I failed both my first and second attempts, through nobody else's fault but my own. Midway through the third attempt, the Student Loans company told me that they would no longer be supporting my education, due to how long it was taking me to pass first year and that I'd have to fund my education myself, or drop out, and repay all the money I'd borrowed starting immediately. So in January of this year I dropped out of university, and I really haven't done anything since then. I've been living off what was left of my Student Loan since then (my rent has been paid by somebody else, not important) and made no attempt to pay it back. To be fair, they haven't been as aggressive in reclaiming their money as I thought they might be, just a few letters and phone calls here and there, but I've been ignoring them since I have NO means of paying the money back. Oh and also, I haven't told a soul that I've dropped out of uni. As far as everyone knows, I've been attending classes since September.
I realised a couple of months ago that my current lifestyle wasn't sustainable, but stupidly I waited until I had run out of money to start applying for jobs. I had a couple of interviews lined up last week, but due to my mental state, I didn't go. Hoping I'll be more successful in the next couple of weeks.
I'll be moving out of my apartment and back with my mother for the summer holidays sometime in the next couple of days (I'm going to hop on the train without buying a ticket), which means I won't have to pay for rent or food, which means that any wages I make if I get a job can go towards maintaining my party lifestyle (that's if I ever reconcile with my friends) and beginning to pay back my loan.
My biggest worry is when the summer holidays are over the next semester starts. I'm going to have move back out of my mothers and pretend to go to school and I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford the rent, which means that I'm going to have to come clean to her so she'll let me stay in her house. Not looking forward to that, I don't get on with her at all, the last time I was there I felt suicidal.
Woah, this turned out to be even longer than I expected, this is actually the very first time I've spoken about these issues. I just hope at least one person takes the time to read this. I'm sure it seems like I'm a terrible person, but I don't think so, I just have issues that I need to work on.
edit: after posting this, I feel like I am the textbook definition of a toxic friend. definitely going to ask my friends if they see me this way